Spring Tune-Up and the Empty Lot
Tailgating
Jeff
Yes! I’ll give you that NASCAR is in full swing. Yes, I’ll give you that football season really never ends these days. Yes, I’ll give you that there are some non-traditional sports that have opened up their culture to tailgating the past few years. But I am sorry, it’s not the same. I MISS THE PARKING LOT – PERIOD!!!
Half of the country has been in a four month deep freeze, accompanied by hurricane winds, 10’ snow hills, crackin’ arthritic knees, and pot holes deep enough to cook a Kalua pig. Look, as much as that hearty Beef Barley soup, over garlic’d Scampi and an assortment marinated meats and cheddar spuds tasted much better and were quaffed by your tailgate brethren with glee, it is somewhat sadomasochistic and unintelligent that some of us hardcore parking lot pros from the northeast do enjoy the fare dripping down our chins in sub-freezing temps. It just tastes good, better and best when we not only savour the fare, but when it also warms the cockles! Although a few of your clan would have you believe a few stiff shots warm the body, it’s far from the truth. But hot food consumed in sub-freezing parking lots warms the bloodshot body of any sports nut, and is like hugging your woobie!
Outside of the 17th hole at the FBR Open in Phoenix which displays tailgating as the PGA’s counter culture personified, more like frat boys guzzling; or the two weeks of the Great American Race ad nauseum fan pre coverage, us 50 million who tailgate rarely get an off-season glimpse of the culture we miss, or even a brief mention of our passion that carries us through our mundane jobs and rigor mortis family life. Where are my rose-colored glasses you ask? I sat on them!
Should we be treating the off-season be like every franchise in the NFL, or the former NASCAR off-season where testing was the norm? Maybe, just maybe it’s the only way to get over the absence of the “missing you” like the head over heels crush you had on that pig-tailed blonde in the second row of math class. Well, many of us can’t, so lets run with it then.
After The Lot Closes - Off-Season Instructions:
1. Just like NFL players, take a couple of weeks after the season to catch up on life:
At long last, pay attention and finally acknowledge the fact that your kids have grown 3” while you were away; your wife quit her job three months ago, went back to school and the divorce papers are still in an envelope unopened in your mail pile.
2. Award your laborers:
Just like a select few who win the absurd popular, vote or big overrated lineman who pay most of the bar tabs making friends in Honolulu, organize a Pro Bowl for tailgaters. Go ahead, reward those tailgaters that grill those mouth-watering meats and organize the parking lot bars like an old speakeasy in New York. Take care of those that spend hours and hours organizing food $$$ and tickets and need 3 days to pack the truck so everything would fit. Do it! Send them to Super Bowl or someplace sunny where they can be rewarded for their season long efforts.
- Like a General Manager/Team President/VP Player Personnel, use this time immediately after it’s all over to reflect on the season that was.
As the chef, event organizer and or the guy wearing seven hats, ask yourself what was pain-staking? What was too labour-intensive? What drunken buddy in the lot was babysat the most? Who during the season called 1 day out to tell you how he was bringing 6 of his buds and three hot women, and how they all couldn’t wait to taste the offerings, only to stiff you by calling you an hour before kick-off to say he was hungover and was stuck in traffic because he left too late. There goes another $50 in groceries! How can you cut down on planning time, gas, space, and groceries? How can you attract more females to your sausage party? How can you and your co-cheese avoid being the only two generals who plan for four days, shop, menu-plan, pack, unpack, cook, clean and now are stuck as the only two who can realistically re-pack the truck because everyone still enjoying the social intercourse, too full too move, and have never lifted a hand to help? Run into to any of these? Then it’s time to clean house, regiment the system, and take on another captain, or get a sponsor. It’s like fighting germs that may cause illness. Hey, you need to enjoy this great American pastime too!
- For God’s sake, clean the damn grill - will ya?
We’re all in love with that burned out and crusty kettle that you’ve grilled on, smoked with forever, or that camping stove that has served you well for the past five seasons. Just like it’s time for franchises to repaint the dressing room or resod the field, it’s time for you to clean. I am fairly confident you unpacked the truck after the season finale, and dumped an array of coolers and cooking apparatus on the garage floor. Going back to it two weeks later was too depressing and brought back memories of that 6 courser in December, so you lied to yourself that you’d get to it in April. Guess what? You’re not a good liar. The next time you want to get out of cleaning the gutter, disappear and take care of that mess on the garage floor that your wife has been complaining about. There is a cornucopia of new cleaning products on the market, and you aren’t going to miss the 5 ounces of baked beans that found its way to the base of the stove, or the chipotle BBQ sauce that was caked on the lid of your Q since week 5. And do yourself and the economy a favor, ditch the ½ empty 1 gallon hotsauce bottle you bought on sale in ’04, and that bottle of dampened gourmet spice you made in ‘06. Grocers will love you, as will your diners.
- Lastly, because we don’t have a tailgate combine, like GM’s salivating at free agency, GO SHOPPING!
Never before have there been a more diverse array of smallwares, supply, equipment, grilling devices and cleaning supplies for us - the hardcore! Dozens of retailers are catering to you. It’s not like Santa brought you a new double spatulas in your stocking. Grab the brothers in arms and head out with a few bucks. It’s no different that hitting the winter golf show. You may stumble upon that $900 driver you can’t afford, but you will find deals galore, and a slew of “why didn’t I think of that” products that have hit the market since you’ve been away. Alot of dot coms and major retailers are already carrying the latest - translucent coolers, trailer hitch grills, eco-friendly grill cleaners, griddles, jambalaya pots, two stroke blenders and funky porta-pong tables. Why? Campers, RV’ers, outdoorsmen all want the same functionality as tailgaters. Also while you’re out, find an abattoir or butcher or wholesale meat supplier that will cut you a season long deal on ribs, Boston butt, flank and whole chickens. And lastly, think outside the box on next season’s menu. I am sure you know your triglycerides and cholesterol are outta whack. Pick up a few mags, or one of the hundreds of new grilling books that are out. Learn a new cooking method.
- Lastly, nothing passes the season like some roadtrip planning.
The full schedule may not officially be out, but you probably are already aware of your opponents, home and away for next fall. And I know you got some of your crew that have to ask permission from their wives just to drive down the road to wash the car. It’s never too early to plan a few roadtrips half a year out. Some of you road warriors that live for the 48-72 hour trek into the unknown know very well that you can never over plan, or stash away enough extra 20’s to make it to New Orleans in mid September, or the world’s largest cocktail party in late October.
Look, I am depressed as much as you are. The Final Four and Masters may carry us through a few weeks. But that doesn’t fill the void. Do yourself a favour. If you truly want to fill the void, make the trek to a NASCAR race - maybe Talladega or Atlanta. Your kind is waiting for you. Maybe they are more attuned to Dale Jr. than Big Ben, but I can assure you that they build the great American neighbourhood as good as any other sport in America. If that don’t work, can I suggest 1-800-SUICIDE-PREVENTION!
PARKING LOT PRO DOC
